Motherhood: The Struggle is Real
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Last week, a dear friend of mine and I were talking about how we had no idea how hard motherhood would be. We felt that no one told us (or at least we didn’t seem to understand) about the challenging parts. The “so-tired-you-want-to-cry” stage, the “my-child-must-be-possessed” moments, or even the “I-acted-like-a-child” days. No one tells you that you will wonder “Am-I-really-cut-out-for-this?” way too many times. We didn’t feel properly prepared.
Flash back to November 2009, when I couldn’t see my toes anymore and was ready to pop with my 1st baby. Even though she was my first, I felt ready to do this! I was going to crush this whole motherhood thing (insert fist-bump)! “I’ll be a natural!” thought my sweet, naïve self. I’ll be awesome, because I am awesome with kids. I love kids and they love me. Little did I know what came ahead in the coming years.
A colicky baby who wouldn’t sleep.
My husband deployed for a year.
Multiple miscarriages.
Children with breathing issues and allergies.
Tempers and personalities that I felt completely unqualified to handle (despite the fact that I was a child development major!!).
The complete and utter guilt that came with each parenting mistake.
The complete lack of freedom you feel as a mom of young children.
But what was worse was the fact that I felt I was the only one experiencing these feelings. I believed that everyone loved motherhood and couldn’t get enough of their darling little ones. I felt that no one else was making the parenting mistakes I was. I was so sure that they weren’t struggling in the same way I was. And that loneliness, that ISOLATION, was the hardest part. Sitting alone in mom-guilt is one of the worst feelings.
It wasn’t until I started talking, and I mean really talking to good girlfriends that I found out that these things my kids did, and my subsequent feelings about them, were more prevalent than I thought. But having deep conversations like that take vulnerability, which feels scary if no one else is sharing their struggles. It also takes time, which is not a luxury most new moms have.
I feel like the way we combat our cultural norm of sharing all the good, and hiding the less desirable is to have open, honest conservations every chance we get about how truly hard mothering can be and how we struggle. Too often, when we talk about the challenging things, we do it in a light, funny way. “Oh, you wouldn’t believe what my little monster did today! Ha ha ha!” But how often do we share our challenges in truly deep, meaningful ways? Not often enough.
With all change, I guess it has to start with me. Here goes: I’m not the mom I thought I was going to be. I’m harsher, less patient, and a lot less fun than I imagined all those years ago when I could no longer see my toes. Motherhood proved to be about a thousand times more demanding that I believed it to be. I love my kids, but I don’t always love parenting. And I struggle with that often. I feel guilt when I find motherhood tedious, frustrating, or utterly draining. As someone who believed that motherhood would be the end-all-be-all for me, it is something I’ve had to do a lot of work on. It’s not what I had planned, but it is my reality. (I feel majorly vulnerable as I write this, but hope someone out there finds some peace in reading this. And it’s my truth, whether I say it or not.)
So, there you have it. One of my struggles in all its raw, unaltered glory. I ask you, if you are in a place where you feel comfortable to share your challenges, your struggles, and your all-too-human feelings, please do. Let’s rip off the mask of the “perfect mom” so we can all bask in our raw, beautiful, imperfect humanness. We all benefit from speaking the truth, because the truth will set us free.
xoxo,
Amanda